Pain, Tears and Crocheting

Pain, tears and crocheting; 3 things which seem to be keeping me up tonight. I know that things are finally starting to turn out ok but I cant help but sit here feeling like a terrible person because Pickles is about to be transferred Johns Hopkins tomorrow where he will be getting prepped for reconstructive surgery on his throat on Thursday and I am stuck here because of my health. I feel like the worst wife in the world. :0( I had to come home today because the medications that I was switched too seem to be reacting very differently and because of my health I am not allowed to travel. I don't want to stay home and although his parents understand completely and are going with him and keeping me updated every seconds of the way, I just want to be there with him the same way he has been there for me all of this time with my health. I hate that we are both sick and in 2 different places. I hate that I cant do anything for him and I hate really bad that I had to come home last night because of my health. I have been finally having good days and it seems to be going to crap. What happened to the few good months we were suppose to have. Can this really be the plans for us? I can understand the reasoning for having him moved and I am very thankful for the doctors that are taking care of both of us and I am very thankful that after this surgery, we were told he would be in our home bound area within a few weeks but I hate the fact that I am going to have to be here while he is there for the worst of it without me. I know I will be here for the rehab when he gets transferred back home but its not the same. He has always been there for me in my worst and I'm not even able to hold his hand. :0( 

I'm sorry if I'm ranting and whining but I have to get something out because I have tried watching movies and I have tried crocheting....I cant seem to get calm enough to keep my pain down and be able to sleep because all I want to do is be with him. Its a position that no person should ever be in and I do know that He is in God's Hands but I still wish I could be there. I have so much nervous energy that I have just crocheted for over 5 hours and now that my hands literally cants hold the hook, I still cant sleep. This is going to be a rough 4 weeks. Please pray it goes by fast and for healing on all parts. :0(

Life Update....

This isn't going to be long because now that my meds were changed and I have had them a few days I'm really starting to feel like crap. :0( not sure why and wont really be able to find out for a few days but I'm trying my best today to be supportive for my Pickle. This weekend he showed great improvement and has even managed to come up to 60% of breathing on his own with one lung. He was able to open his eyes and although in last 24 hours he has tried to write to us (he cant talk still); damage was done from when he coded and some of his letters keep coming out backwards. We have had a day full of doctors and tests ran on him and they he was scheduled for surgery on his throat later this week. He will remain in the ICU until after his surgery and they know for sure he is stable again after his surgery but after he is out he will be allowed visitors. They are just trying to keep it low key and calm right now to keep his heart stable and give his body time to rest. 

As for me.. I have been having some rather good days even though today is a really bad one. I did get to spend some time with some good friends on Saturday and Sunday and I even was able to spend some time with one of my older sisters which was much needed. With everything going on, a move has been talked about. Its been in the thought process for some time now but next month its going to be taking place. I love my grandpa and I always will. The memories in my house will never be replaced but I have to move on. Staying with my sister will be a temporary stay for now until something better presents itself but in the end it will be the healthier choice especially with Zach not being able to be there for some time. :0( So that is most of the updates right now and we all continue to pray for smooth transitions and that surgery goes well this week. Praising God for the improvements and being able to see Zach awake yesterday. As for me...I think its time for a nap. 

Keep Smiling and Take Care!

Improvements and Best friends

The last 24 hours have been 24 of the most trying as you can tell from my last post but I am Thanking God to report that Zach is showing signs of improvement in his kidneys and lung. I honestly cant say that I have ever been so thankful to have someone pee before or even that I cried when he did until today but as soon as we noticed it in the catheter, I had tears streaming down my face full force. After running some tests we found that this is the sign we all have been praying for. We still have a long way to go but tonight before I left, the Doctors felt things might be turning around. I was sad because I had to return home for an apt for my own health but I am very thankful because I will be spending the day tomorrow (OK well later today) with a very close friend of mine who despite having health problems herself; has been nothing short of amazing in support me and my hubby through all of this (her husband as well). I am very thankful for all of my friends and the family that have supported me and have continued to remind me that God is in control. I have really been blessed in the area of friends and I only pray that I can be as good as a friend back someday. 

So with many thanks and a hopeful heart I am going to head of to bed. 

Keep Smiling and God Bless!

Psalms 147:4

"He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." - Psalm 147:4 

For those of you that are really close to me; you know that this verse holds a lot of great meaning to me after everything that I have gone threw over the last 7 years with my health and with loosing some of the greatest people of my life but it in the end, at my greatest trials it always stands out to give me hope that my life is not my own. Since my last post some terrible events have taken place in my life and now I am looking at loosing another person very close to me and even though I know I am not ready to even think about living without him; I know that God is holding him in His hands tonight.

Almost a week ago, we took Zach to the Er for what we thought was a migraine and it ended up really being him choking after a life long battle with swallowing problems. We didn't know he was choking but by the time we realized it he has quite a bit of food in his throat and later to find out his lungs. I think it is safe to say we have been through what feels like Hell and back in the last few days and tonight he continues to be fighting a staph infection and remains on life support after an attempt to fix his lung which resulted in being removed. Doctors tested his brain activity today to find minimal activity and still no response to any treatment. So after much prayer (and i will continue to do so tonight); I did sign 1 of 2 sets of papers set in front of me and that would be the set allowing the doctors not to perform CPR if he coded again. He is still on life support and if no improvements are shown by monday then we  will rethink the situation and His parents and I will do what is best for him. 

As  I was looking through my facebook tonight which my loving husband has semi-taken over in the last few months that I have been ill,  I realized that a few weeks ago he made a post with this same verse (it is my favorite and will most likely always be) and wrote a comment with it that said 

"Our prayer for you is dreams of stars, clouds, butterflies but most of all for you to be in a place of peace."

I don't know why I haven't seen this comment before and maybe it is just because I have been to sick to check, but it hit me hard because I feel so selfish begging him to stay here suffering when he only wanted the best for me. I love Zach and I will always love Zach. He is and always will be my soul mate but I realized tonight that he deserves everything and more after all he has done for me and I don't want him to suffer anymore. After a week of doctors, surgeries and broken hearts; I realized that I cant protect him anymore than he could protect me and all I can do is love him no matter what and leave him in God's hands. 

 We do not want him to suffer anymore than he already is and if it is Gods will that Zach should make it home before me; I shall still love God the same. This has been a hard choice for me to make but I know that it is what Zach would want. Its just so hard to wrap around everything going on and I'm still praying that he will start responding to any little thing but in the moment I am just loving Zach for everything he has ever given me and still continues to be for me and loving God for ever giving me the chance to love him this much in the first place.

Random day off...

For those of you who are wondering about the rainbow dress; it is still in progress but it is coming a long very well. I don't want to post too many pictures before it is finished because I am coming up with ideas to make it better almost every day and in the end its so going to be worth the wait. So while the dress is in progress....I decided to take a break to bake! Yesterday I had a poll going on facebook over whether I should make brownies or thin mints and then it just turned into people ordering thin mints so I made both. lol. Then Zach and I were horsing around until dinner with the tulle from my dress and after that it was off to a grand adventure to Corry. We finally got to hold Baby Lucas, and see Rick, Erin and Natalie. And after that we stopped in to drop some goodies off to Dan and Beth. Beth was the only one home but it was so worth the few minutes we stopped. We planned on going to the drive in but because it was so late and people drive a lot crazier in Waterford and Corry that in our neck of the woods so red box and Mc Donald's it was for us and we called it a night. It really was an amazing day for me. So with all that said and done... I am going to leave you here with a few pictures. 

Until next time...Keep Smiling!

Amazing Rainbow

So I have this plan to make an amazing rainbow dress for an event I'm going to in June. I have been slowly working on it due to not feeling good but considering i have to make a second dress just as equally complicated I realized that I might need to start pushing myself to finish this dress so I can be rested for the event itself. I have been really sick the last few days but I did manage to get the base to the dress put together over the last week. it just needs the zipper and then to have the dress hemmed to the right length. It really doesn't look like much now but just wait and see what it becomes. I am so excited. :0) 

otherwise I am not sure what else to right other than I kind of really miss everyone. Even those people I missed at church today because I wasn't feeling well. I hope all is well with everyone. 

Keep Smiling!

Crafts in progress

 The last few days have been kind of a blur to me because I haven't really been feeling good and yesterday was a complete disaster at the doctor but I am happy to say that I have begun the process of getting a new family doctor so things will be good from here I know. The really good news is that between not feeling good and resting I have finally finished the Dino T-shirts! I'm pretty sick of puffy paint at this point but they turned out so great that I don't even really mind the long time it took me to do them.

 In the last week I have also finally finished Jacks head. lol. Zach has been wanted to dress up like Jack Skeleton from the Nightmare Before Christmas for sometime but this head has been in progress since last summer. After a lot of long hours, a bunch of glue, plaster, sands and paint.....here it is! Zach is currently working on the bow tie that is suppose to go with it so as soon as that is finished and the sally dress that is also in progress. I cant wait for both to be finally finished and that will be 2 more projects our of the box of things we have started but not finished yet.

The following below is also the start of something beautiful that was suppose to be used for a wedding but now in turn it will be used for a ball in June. The only reason I'm posting anything about it here is because I know that Zach doesn't come here to read this. lol. and although he knows I'm working on something spectacular he has no clue what its going to look like. :0) Just that it will have lots of colors and sparkles. lol. It may actually be one of the best things I create but we shall see. :0) 

ok here is a hint to the colors and then I'm off to get working on it. 

Keep Smiling!