Friday, April 27, 2012

Romans 5:1-5

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I have to be honest with everyone when I say that lately I have not been myself. I'm sure people have noticed but in the last month along Zach and I have been through what seems like Hell and back and I am just really tired of everything. I have been feeling bad because my health is on the rocks and poor Zach has had to sit by my side more than any person should have too even though again and again he says he wouldn't have it any other way. The truth is...I have spent my whole life fighting and protecting that now that I cant fight anymore and there is physically nothing left for me to do; I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to stop protecting the ones I love from the things I fear the most which is leaving them behind. I'm angry because I know there is nothing I can do to protect them and instead of giving my fears to God; I realized that I'm running because I'm terrified. I was so angry that I stopped looking to the verses that have helped keep me going for so long and still hit just as hard and the first day I read them. I have started putting up all my walls again and at the same time I didn't realize that I was blocking the ones that really do love me and even worse God. I'm still terrified to let go because face it, I have lived my whole life fighting and even though "letting go" is the best option now; I understand that I need God and my loved ones to hold me while doing it. I realized after talking to a few new found friends in the last 2 nights that its OK to have those feelings but I really do need to keep doing the things I love with the people who love me even if its just in small ways. I need to brush off everything and try and live the way I know how with what I am giving just like before; one day at a time. So tonight I am finally going to get some sleep and then tomorrow I'm going to do something that I would do any other day. Even if its small. 
So Until Then, Keep Smiling!

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