Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Who I am.....

The question of who I am keeps coming up a lot around here lately. For some reason I feel like I am completely lost right now and I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I stopped relaying on God like I used to. I am not sure why or what happened that I chose to get off my path but I need to find my way back. I did make it to church Sunday with the Ellis's and I was so glad that I gave up my sleep time to do so. Not because it was one of those "Ah" sermons but because at the breakfast that the church held after I finally realized that I may not be ready to leave MCH. My residents are my pride and joy as strange as that sounds. They are a huge chunk of my life. The Ellis's are also another huge chunk of that life. Why I have ran from them too I am not sure. I think my opinions have gotten to much in my way to really enjoy things so I have decided that today the rest of my life needs to begin. I am going to get going back to church and start setting up a better life style for myself Starting today. Although I didn't get to clean my room the way I wanted today, I did get on the phone with some of the people that I needed to in order to start getting this debt taken care of. Paid 2 of my bills and ordered the oil dipstick for my car. Tomorrow I will clean my room and call the rest of the people I need too. I need to get control of my life so that I can better this world.....

In other news....yesterday I was finally able to get a girls day out with Shannon. She came over to Easter and Gram watched the girls so we could go see a movie. We also went to Chinese and I took Shannon to the Christmas Tree Store in our area. We went and saw Soul Surfer which was an amazing movie. It has a very religious turn on it which wasn't really what I thought it would be but I loved every minute of the movie even if it made both of us cry at least 6 times. I would recommend it to anyone who loves an inspirational movie. It also had a very good lesson in there for kids. Like I said....very amazing!
We also picked Madyson up and brought her to Grams house to watch movies with the girls and make smoothies. I think there might be some new pen pals in the making. lol. I also had fun when returning Madyson because Ashely and her friends were baking cakes and I got to hold Haily the time I was there. She is so cute and it was really nice to be able to spend some time with actual family members. I am starting to get a better understanding of where I need to go in life here....
Well I think that is all I can post until later. Time to get ready for work. I know I have a bunch of ladies waiting for my return. lol.
Keep Smiling!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I've Had It!

Ok I have no clue what I did to always be either forgotten or blamed in my family but I am sick of it!!!! There is nothing I can do to ever make them happy. I try and fit in...only the get slapped in the face and pointed at that I don't fit with them so then I try to just stay out of it only for them to accuse me of stuff when I physically don't have time to be doing what they accuse me of doing. For instance....my sister telling everyone today that I took a movie out of her room. At what point to I have time to 1. go through that thing she calls a room and dig through her movies. 2. what time do I even have to watch a movie when I am working until 2am and sleeping until 11 only to literally stay in my room until the time I leave at 2pm and then going to work again. I work at a hospital so where does she think I will be watching this movie at while putting 52 people in and out of bed at night?! I am so fed up with this! Why cant she just except that she owns too much crap and needs to get rid of at least half of it so she will actually know where her crap is at all times. GRRRR! Sorry for that rant but it really makes me mad because I didn't nor would I even care about borrowing a movie. Especially since movies are the one thing in my house where if I want it I go buy it the day it comes out. If I wanted to watch it... I would buy it and that wouldn't be until my day off where you know... I actually have time to watch stuff. Its time to get my crap together and the out of this house!

Sunday, April 17, 2011


 Meet My dad. I know its not the best picture of him....but Tuesday when my step mom Carrie, messaged me stating he was being taken to the hospital for stroke like symptoms....my entire world felt as if it might fall apart. I should probably let you all know that I really have only gotten to know my dad in the last 4 years but those 4 years have lead to also getting close to my younger siblings and its time that I wouldnt change for anything. My parents got divorced when i was really young and my mother remarried and so on and so fourth but Thanks to my mom and my step dad; my father wasnt really given the chance to come around like he should. And between that and the Army, It wasnt until I was 21 that I recieved a letter  from him while he was deployed in Iraq, asking my sisters and brother and I to give him a chance, that we were ever really given the option. At this point I am still the only one out of the older kids that will take the time to see him and the younger half of his children but I guess I never really realized untl Tuesday how much that Decision meant to me until I heard there was something wrong with him. It wasnt an easy feeling but in my heart God let me know that I had made the right choice in my life by letting my dad in. Now 5 days later and Im still not sure where life will lead any of us from here but I know that it is a choice I am glad to make and I am thankful they are all in my life. You never know when God will decide to take someone home. Its the now that matters, so I hope others are taking the time to spend with their loved ones as well.
Speaking of loved ones.... I am going to also say that I am sorry to all who I have broken plans with this week due to the above events. I do know that I really learned who my friends where as well. It is amazing how you only hear from people when they want somethingand then when they know you need them even for just emotional support...they are no where to be found. I know who is there for me when I need them and I thank all of you who have been here for me and continue to be. I know that it meant a lot to me, that tonight after having a physical and mental breakdown and taking a much needed nap, Zach was not at all upset that I havent been ableto be much of anything this week. He did however get me to cheer up and get me to go get a much needed milkshake which broke the headache that I had. YAY. We also recieved complimentary cookies because the server took to long. She was still so nice although I think maybe she needed a vacation too. Thanks again for all who were here and praying for us.
I think I am off to sleep again. I really need it. Keep smiling and praying!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Amazing Night but Busy Mind.....

Tonight Zach took me to see the Transiberrian Orchestra while they were here in Erie. It was a pretty amazing night. We actually dressed up, went to a nice seafood dinner and to top it off he even brought me daffodils. I'm not a really specific flower girl. If I had to pick a favorite flower I would say yellow roses but really I love anything Yellow because it reminds me of sunshine. :0) So it just added to the perfect night.
Tomorrow its back to regular life and that in general, other than the nights with Zach; I seem to be lost a lot lately. I know that a lot of things have happened in my life but really I am just so miserable. I feel like I have no purpose or really at the moment I feel like all my friends are gone too. The ones that were closest to me only were there for specific reasons and when I am not shelling out car rides or money then really what do I have??? Not much really. I have been throwing myself into my crafts outside of work and I think that is going really good because I fit in with my residents so well because of my crafts. I did make a bunch of headbands which are now going around not only the staff but the residents at Millcreek. I know that I do love it there when it comes to the residents but....The staff is starting to drive me crazy. I guess that is my fault for bringing people into work that I know outside of work. Ugh. Oh well I guess I cant change it now. I am also starting to wonder where I am going with my faith as well. I feel like I am hiding in the closet or something. I need to really find a new church that has some kind of bible study or something. I am getting no where. It doesn't help that I work and sleep odd hours but I will talk to the doctor about that on Friday as well.
Well I don't really know what else to say so I guess I am going to head off to bed and maybe just think about things a little more.