Friday, June 22, 2012

Happy Friday!

Wow. its hard to believe that its already Friday. I feel like I have missed most of the week and in all honesty, I kinda did because I have been so sick but while being down for the count I have been working on happy blankets so it Kind of works out. I also had the energy today to finish moving some more of my stuff into the house and eventually i will be able to bring the bins out of the closet one by one and go through them so I can figure out what is really trash and what needs to be kept. There is still a little bit more at the old place but most is waiting to go to good will.
Otherwise I wish I had something more to post but other than Kat being at a job interview right now and waiting to hear how that goes and trying to decide my true feelings about everything going on between me and Zach; (I will save that for another post when I really do know what I'm going to do); i really don't have anything else to report. I can tell you that I love living in this house though and I'm really glad that I'm with Ash and the kids. :0)
So with all that being said...yes I'm still kicking and although I'm moving slower these days; I'm still smiling and I'm praying that you are all smiling as well.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Things I want to do this summer...

People keep asking me if there is anything I want to do and I decided  to post it here because honestly, repeating myself is kind of wearing me out. So other than waking up to one of these beautiful nieces in the morning each morning...
Hailey on a Milk Run/Scream
here are a few things that I would like to do....
1. I would really like to go to church again. I do really miss it and although I know its not always an easy task; it is rather important to me. I have been reading my bible here at home but it isn't the same and going to church and having someone else encourage the learning process. 
2. I really want to go to the beach. I'm actually really shocked that I haven't been there very much in the last year. I used to be there 4-5 times a week and I actually haven't been to the beach since August! It makes me sad that I didn't go when I was able to get around but the weather hasn't really helped either. :0( 
3. I would like to have a campfire and roast marshmallows. I haven't had a good smore in awhile and although the smore goldfish have tied me through so far this year. There is nothing more perfect than a real smore. MMMM. its 630 am and now I want one. lol. Plus I really want to see Hailey eat one. I bet she would be covered head to toe. lol. :0) 
4. I would like to finish the 3 blankets I'm working on at the moment. Yes 3, happy blankets at the same time. My goal this year was to use the yarn I had and I have so far been successful and I really just cant wait to finish these blankets for Dan, Katie and misty. Then after that, I am going to pass the crocheting skill on to a few special people who have been wanting to learn. I guess that I would also like to be able to take the time to teach them both and I'm hoping my health is willing. It really is a wonderful skill to have and I'm so glad that my mom taught me. 
5. Finish scrap booking all the pictures from my site so that my family had them in one book and I can get the site a little more organized so that maybe my sisters can continue to take pictures and add it to the family site. I have really enjoyed keeping the family up to date since 2007 but after awhile the photos add up and I'm running out of room. That and I would like for my sister to have all her kids pictures in one spot since her kids always run around and destroy her photos. I also want to put a book together for my mom and grandma so they both have them in one place. :0) 
6. Finish both the books my mom lent me in the last year. I am half way through both but I put the first down this winter and then recently picked up the 2nd and was hooked so now that I'm not as mobile I think its a good time to finish them, :0) Sorry it took so long mom. 

Otherwise I just really want to spend time with the people I love and enjoy the sunshine. I know it kinda seems like a lot but I'm praying for some good days to finish some stuff and get to maybe share some good time with my family and friends and considering right now I am bonding with my step dad and teaching Hailey new words I think we might be off to a good start. :0) Did I mention that I love being in this house no matter how bad I feel?! 
Hailey and her "Bug" 
With that being said and the fact that it just took me almost 4 hours to write this... I think I'm going to rest. I love you all and hope you are all smiling! 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Anger, Sadness and Forgiveness.

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead." Frederick Buechner

Lately it feels like anger and sadness are filling the world around me and I'm stuck in the middle of it all. The events around me that are taking place between Zach and I are not only hitting me hard but it breaks my heart to see how much it effects everyone around me. I almost wish I could just bottle it all up and send it to the moon. I don't feel the need to write in detail all he has done, because honestly I think that only adds to the fire but I do know that the choices he is making is changing a lot of lives and opinions of him and although it breaks my heart that he wants to leave and I have been angry for everything he has done; I have come to terms with everything and decided that for my sake I need to forgive him and leave it to God. I am hoping that my family and friends can do the same as well  because honestly, watching the situation as it hits everyone around me is making it hard for me to be around people and watching others be angry is making it harder for me to process myself. I am asking that we all just forgive and move on because honestly there is way to much bitterness and we are just not those kind of people. I am a firm believer that we should not judge others here on earth because God will cast judgement when every one's time comes. So I am and leaving the ENTIRE situation between the lawyers, and God. I have done all I can to help Zach and now I just want things to be peaceful so I can enjoy what time I have left without everyone being bitter or angry or even worried about what I am feeling about it. Honestly I feel that if Zach was meant to leave; then God must have something better planned for my life and honestly I know that soon I will be with God and I just want to enjoy my family and friends while I can. 
With all that said, I am done being angry and I'm not going to be sad or bitter because I did have some very good times with Zach that I will never forget nor do I want to but I also know I have a lot more memories to create with the people I love and who REALLY love me back and that is what I want to focus on. I know I am getting weaker but the dreams of going to the beach and roasting marshmallows are still there. I want to play with my nieces and nephews and watch as many soccer games I can. Maybe make it to church a few more times...these are things I want to be doing and I worked so hard to get home and get mobile that I want to enjoy it and I want others to enjoy it too without being bitter. So I am asking for everyone to please just forgive. I know that none of us can forget but I think we should all just leave it between Zach and God because we all know that God's finally judgement is the most important and in the meantime, lets just enjoy the lives we have around us. 
I mean it with all my heart when I say I appreciate everyone who has been here for me in the last few  years, months and even weeks. You all mean so much to me and you always will. I'm praying we get to spend some good times together this summer and that a lot of happiness is shared. So until then, keep smiling and I'm going to drift back off to dream land. 

P.S. Dear Kat, I love you more than a vacuum loves skittles. You are the best sister and best friend a girl could every ask for and don't you ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. Here is the song that you keep asking about. Sorry I have been singing parts all week. lol. Love you always, JJ

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Vacation and Moving...

So this past weekend has been on of the busiest weekends so far this year and although I wish more of it had gone smoother I am happy to say that despite Zach being rude and a poop on the trip and in general...The trip was a blast. My sisters ended up making it one of the best trips ever and Kat's friends that came and stayed with us were even better!  There was a little bit of stress getting everything ready for Saturday but in the end it was so worth the trip. The events of the night left all of us laughing so hard that our ribs hurt. 

I would love to get more into the trip itself but I think that people are just going to have to go to the photo album and look at the pictures because I only have a little time before moving picks back up again which is the second part of this long weekend/week. 
I am moving to McKean with my sister and her kids. Things don't seem to be going well with Zach and I and after all the stress of EVERYTHING lately, I just need to be away from drama and my sister and I both need to pick each other back up. We both know it will take some time but in the end it is turning out to be better for both of us. 
So with that said I am going to get back to going through stuff but I also wanted to let everyone know that I might not be online as much here or skype because we have to get the Internet turned on at the trailer and since we are having problems with the gas at the moment, the Internet is on hold. We still currently have our phones but we might be changing phones as well soon due to Verizon raising their prices and plans according to the paper today. I will keep everyone updated when I can and get the new number out to people as needed when they do switch over. 
Love you all and Keep Smiling!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Sally and Jack...

For those people that don't know Zach and I well. Zach is a HUGE Halloween fan and although Easter will always be my favorite time of year; The Nightmare Before Christmas will always be one of my favorite movies. So for a few years now we have been trying to make Jack and Sally costumes and they are finally about to be finished. Jack is completely finished although I don't have pictures with Zach's homemade bow tie so you will have to wait for the complete picture but this is what we have so far...

The head really took us the most effort and so will the Santa suit when we get around to making it but that is another time and another place. lol. 
We are also working on sally right at the point. We have the dress all sewn together but we are going to have to hand paint all the patterns on to each color. As well as finish making (yes crocheting) the wig for Sally's hair as she is indeed a rag doll. Here is what we have so far on that...

We are really getting excited that these are almost finished because that would be 2 major projects marked off our list as well as areas in our room that are now cleaned out because the projects are finished. That has been out goal this year...finish projects in progress. :0) So I will have to update you again later this week with the official finished projects. :0) Cant wait until they are finished!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Sick and Tired of People

I'm posted today because people are really making me angry. I am already trying everything in my power to just get up each morning and then to find out that my family is fighting with my "so called" friends is just really annoying. I have told my family yet again that I don't want them telling anyone anything and those that want to know will call. I'm done fighting people and I'm done waisting my time with people who are never really hear for me. I'm too tired for this crap. People need to just really think about their words before they say things. Friends and family; more than half of you are NEVER there when you say you will be. Heck a lot of you haven't been here in a LONG time and you are just so naive that you cant see it. I try and stay active in your lives because I want to support all of you but honestly I don't have the energy to even try anymore nor to I have the emotional strength to try and talk to you people anymore. Face it other than a few 4 people; both sides; friends and family stink and have really let me down so please just leave me alone because you don't get what I'm telling nor do you have to time to really care anyways. I'm sick of being used for other peoples gain and I am sick of hearing over and over that things are going good when they really aren't but you see everyone is too busy thinking things are ok to see that really everything is terrible. Everyone is too busy trying to prove they know more about what I am feeling to see that NONE OF YOU know anything about what I'm feeling or how I am doing except for the few who are actually here so please if you guys all really love me then either start acting like you care/ love me and actually be there for me and not just the attention of being here.  Because if I don't talk to you now at my worst, I'm certainly not going to waste my good days with you either. . I'm sick and tired of all the fighting and the drama and I cant handle people so I am shutting people down. That's how it has been and that is how I want it. If you not going to actually be here and not fight, then please don't be here at all.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Rainbow Dress Revealed

 This isn't the best picture of the dress and I need to fix the tulle at the bottom so it lays flat and doesn't keep jumping around but i am very pleased with how it turned out. The flower at the top is really a pin and I might pin in down a little further in the front but we will see when the day comes how I feel. Now I just have to make the hair piece to go with it and add jewelry and there you have it! 
Now for the sundress that I made....I still need to add ribbon around the waist but i haven't found the right ribbon yet. I am thinking a wide red. 

Honestly If I would have known how easy the cherry dress would have gone together I would have used the same pattern for the rainbow dress and changed it up a bit. Who knows maybe I will still try for next years event. Otherwise in the midst of resting and night time pain, I have been working on Dan's happy blanket. From the picture you still cant really tell what it is yet but for those of us who know what is is...its coming together very nicely. 

This is just the hardest part to put together because there is so much black right now. Thankfully we are getting out of the black and adding more color and shape! Cant wait until it is finished but right now i have to finish the projects needed for this weekend. We are leaving Friday morning and then returning Sunday. Moving is Monday and no we are not all packed yet so we shall see how this all goes. I will try and update later this week but if I don't then its because i am trying to rest from this past week's events. Still praying my heart out but I know things will only get easier in time. 
Love you all and Keep Smiling!

Still Here

I am sorry about the mental breakdown in my last post. I ended up having a 2nd surgery yesterday and I am back home after some complications. I am still very sore and tired and Zach and still weak and tired from his time in the hospital but we are both resting and taking things one day at a time. There are a lot of emotions going on in our house but I do know that we are trusting God to heal our hearts and praying that He just gets us through each day.  I have really been having a hard time talking to anyone because I honestly feel like this is my fault and I just don't know how to handle it yet. I know that a lot of people feel that having a miscarriage is not as terrible as loosing a child that you have met but let me tell you that after loosing a child that I was carrying at 5months and seeing what cancer and GVHD did to that little girl and then finding out this morning that I was 7 weeks and after the DNC they confirmed that all  tissue removed from the baby was cancerous It just hit me hard again just how much cancer can take away. I have tried to remain strong during this entire battle but honestly I am loosing my grip and I honestly just cant fight my feelings anymore. I'm having a hard time keeping it together and lately I have even been shutting down emotionally and just wanting to be alone. Its really hard to explain to someone who is healthy that No I am not going to get better and then to hear people constantly tell me "glad to hear you are on the road to recovery" or "glad you are feeling better" just makes things worse because although yes I might be having a good day, my good day still required constant care and I'm just tired. I just wish I could go back to driving where ever I wanted when I wanted, being able to do anything with Zach and most importantly I really just wish I could give Zach the things that a normal wife should be able to do for their husbands. Zach really is a blessing and no he has never made me feel bad in anyway about being sick but I know that this isn't the life that either of us pictured and I really do worry about him once I'm gone. :0( I'm praying every day that God watches over him extra hard and I already know that He is but it is something I wont stop praying for and since I have no control over anything; I have to leave it in all in God's hands. Now if only I could get people around me to start realizing how crazy they are being and how much their words hurt....I would be golden.
Well I have a little more to write but I'm really starting to fight to stay awake so I think until next time when I'm a little more awake. Keep praying and smiling; even if it is really hard right now.