Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I have been trying to write for hours and cant seem to get the words out of my heart. I just feel utterly terrible. Today Zach and I suffered what would have to be the 2nd greatest loss of our lives together with finding out that cancer took another life. Although only a few weeks, my body has been out of control sense trying to get rid of it and so yesterday I had to go in for a DNC after they finally ran labs. I hate my health and that is failing miserably. I Hate cancer and I absolutely HATE GVHD. I feel like God is really picking on me lately. Like an ant under a magnifying glass. Especially when Zach is hours away from me in a hospital somewhere else and I am at home trying to hold it altogether and feel so alone. I spent all day praying and hiding. Trying to find any relief I could only to find that I don't have any. I have tried talking to people and the words just don't want to come out. I have seen over the last few weeks that even those closest to me aren't paying attention and seem to think that I'm just going to recover over night and in the end are making me feel like a terrible wife because I haven't been able to be with Zach since he was in Pittsburgh. I do feel terrible. I lost another child, I'm stuck here when he needs me most, I'm unable to work and honestly I just feel like dead weight. I don't know how someone could even love a person who can do anything for themselves. I just want to run away. I feel even worse because I am so angry at God. Is that even allowed? I know that the entire time I have been since I have always told God I would Praise Him no matter what but honestly I am so mad and everything and everyone right now. I'm broken down and I just hope God is just holding me now because honestly I'm even too angry to talk with Him. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I'm so lost and I feel like I'm stuck here alone at the bottom of a well, screaming but no one can here me. :0( Please God I'm begging for a light at the end of this tunnel because I honestly don't think I can keep fighting anymore.
Yes the count downs are all on. lol. As of 55 minutes ago there is only 9 days until the fund raiser/trip, 12 days until moving day and 15 days until my love returns home to me. All of which are extremely important to me. I have dresses to finish, EVERYTHING to pack and then to unpack as well as a speech to write. I have 2 dress almost completely done with one more to sew in the next 9 days and I'm hoping to find the energy to do it. I wanted to finish the rainbow dress today but once i finally found the motivation to get up and do something; I ended up going through pictures and then ended up working on the sundress instead. I have it almost complete except for the zipper which is pinned and just need sewn and the bottom needs to be hemmed. As for the rainbow dress. I just have to finish putting the last set of butterflies on it and finish the hand stitching around the neckline. Both have simple completes and then its for Sally's complicated dress. I'm not really looking forward to putting it together but i need to stop putting it off. anyways... I'm not going to keep going on because its now 1am and I'm in a lot of pain but i wanted to share a picture of the sundress since I took one for my sis.
Love you all and Hope you have a good night. Most importantly...Keep Smiling!
Monday, May 28, 2012
I know I mentioned this yesterday but in 2 weeks from today I will be moving in with my sister. I know that a lot has been taken place in my life just in general and a lot has also been taking place in her life but after searching through pictures last night as I get ready to scrap book years of photos, I realized that my sister and her kids are part of the reason why I feel like God has brought me home over and over again after trying to move away. In the end I would do ANYTHING for my sister and her kids and all of my greatest memories are with these kids. I mean look at them....
My goal for the next 2 weeks is to go through all my stuff and work on getting rid of what I don't really need but at the same time my plan is to finally finish the list of projects on my project boards. No adding to it and no buying anything else unless its absolutely needed (i have been doing good on that so far). I wanted to try and use up everything I had here in the craft room but in the end, I just don't have that time or energy and so what doesn't get used or is needed will be donated for another great crafter's delight. I have bins of scrap fabric so for my crafting friends... if anyone could use any...please let me know.
God Bless and Keep Smiling!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
First I want to say Happy Memorial Day to everyone out there and I'm praying that everyone has safe travels in our their weekend trips this weekend. I know that I had family traveling today and tomorrow after coming up to visit and camping at a nearby camp ground this weekend.
As for the rest of the world... well a lot of prayers have been answered on this end with Zach. He was transferred last week and has surgery and with much success he is already breathing on his own and able to say some very short sentences. He will be moved out of ICU by Tuesday they are thinking and will start so therapy with him there before transferring him back home to continue to therapy here in Erie. I have never been so relieved before and although I continue to pray for him every minute of my day; I am also praising God for His healing hands.
I could still use a little more healing on my own end but really I am just settling for Gods Grace and calm in this storm. I was at the hospital again because I haven't been able to eat since Thursday and my jaw had locked up so bad that I couldn't get a fork or spoon past my teeth and therefore wasnt eating or drinking. I was given the ok to drinking with a straw since I was not allowed to do stomach issues with everything else going on but today I have finally been getting some foods and drinks into my system and although Im still in a lot of pain; I am pushing through. I didn't get to visit with my family like I would have hoped to but I did get to visit with my neices who I shall be living with in 2 weeks to the day. We are all very excited and they really do liven up my world as well as my sister who I shall be moving in with. I am so excited and although I know it wont be easy, its going to be well worth the journey. I really cant think of anything else to post now because I'm really hurting tonight so I will leave you with a few pictures taken today. I love you all and hope you all Keep Smiling!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I know the title sounds a little funny but I think we all know that I crochet a lot when I am under a lot of stress so even though I am completely exhausted and in a lot of pain; I am up again at almost 4am playing with yarn and battling my brain to calm itself down. OK and maybe trying to fight through pain as well. In a few short hours Zach will be under going surgery to reconstruct his throat and I just cant help but feeling terrible for being stuck at home. I'm very thankful that God has blessed us with such talented surgeons who will be repairing my husband to his whole self and I'm very thankful for having such loving In Laws who have in no way made me feel as out of the loop as almost everyone else in this world. I know it sounds unheard of but I might have the worlds best in-laws. This has been 2 of the longest weeks of our lives and when I am not able to be by Zach;s side his mom is always keeping me up to date within minutes of the doctors which is really important to me. I still feel like the worlds worst wife but I do know that I love Zach a lot and I know that the only thing I can do for him at this point is fight to get stronger so I can be here for when he is back in Erie and help him with his rehab as well.
So where do happy blankets fit into the mix you might be wondering? well I have been non stop crocheting and I'm working on another Happy Blanket. I am not going to say what the end blanket is suppose to look like but I will keep posting pictures and we will see if anyone can guess what it is. I will tell you that I am using 2in granny squares to put the picture in the blanket together and only one other person knows what it is and that's Beth. :0) So here is what I finished yesterday....
I have added more to it tonight but I wont be able to get a picture of it until later today because of being in the hospital. (Yes I was admitted earlier for precautions and pain management). But once I get home I will post the 2nd picture along with an updated picture of the rainbow dress that I was talking about a few posts ago. Yes that is also almost finished. :0) I guess maybe I am being more productive than I thought on my good days.
I think I am going to put my computer and yarn down for now though and read my bible until I can get to sleep. I will update everyone tomorrow on Zach so please continue to pray for the surgeons and Zach's healing. The many prayers have already been helping so much.
Thanks again and Keep Smiling!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Pain, tears and crocheting; 3 things which seem to be keeping me up tonight. I know that things are finally starting to turn out ok but I cant help but sit here feeling like a terrible person because Pickles is about to be transferred Johns Hopkins tomorrow where he will be getting prepped for reconstructive surgery on his throat on Thursday and I am stuck here because of my health. I feel like the worst wife in the world. :0( I had to come home today because the medications that I was switched too seem to be reacting very differently and because of my health I am not allowed to travel. I don't want to stay home and although his parents understand completely and are going with him and keeping me updated every seconds of the way, I just want to be there with him the same way he has been there for me all of this time with my health. I hate that we are both sick and in 2 different places. I hate that I cant do anything for him and I hate really bad that I had to come home last night because of my health. I have been finally having good days and it seems to be going to crap. What happened to the few good months we were suppose to have. Can this really be the plans for us? I can understand the reasoning for having him moved and I am very thankful for the doctors that are taking care of both of us and I am very thankful that after this surgery, we were told he would be in our home bound area within a few weeks but I hate the fact that I am going to have to be here while he is there for the worst of it without me. I know I will be here for the rehab when he gets transferred back home but its not the same. He has always been there for me in my worst and I'm not even able to hold his hand. :0(
I'm sorry if I'm ranting and whining but I have to get something out because I have tried watching movies and I have tried crocheting....I cant seem to get calm enough to keep my pain down and be able to sleep because all I want to do is be with him. Its a position that no person should ever be in and I do know that He is in God's Hands but I still wish I could be there. I have so much nervous energy that I have just crocheted for over 5 hours and now that my hands literally cants hold the hook, I still cant sleep. This is going to be a rough 4 weeks. Please pray it goes by fast and for healing on all parts. :0(
Monday, May 21, 2012
This isn't going to be long because now that my meds were changed and I have had them a few days I'm really starting to feel like crap. :0( not sure why and wont really be able to find out for a few days but I'm trying my best today to be supportive for my Pickle. This weekend he showed great improvement and has even managed to come up to 60% of breathing on his own with one lung. He was able to open his eyes and although in last 24 hours he has tried to write to us (he cant talk still); damage was done from when he coded and some of his letters keep coming out backwards. We have had a day full of doctors and tests ran on him and they he was scheduled for surgery on his throat later this week. He will remain in the ICU until after his surgery and they know for sure he is stable again after his surgery but after he is out he will be allowed visitors. They are just trying to keep it low key and calm right now to keep his heart stable and give his body time to rest.
As for me.. I have been having some rather good days even though today is a really bad one. I did get to spend some time with some good friends on Saturday and Sunday and I even was able to spend some time with one of my older sisters which was much needed. With everything going on, a move has been talked about. Its been in the thought process for some time now but next month its going to be taking place. I love my grandpa and I always will. The memories in my house will never be replaced but I have to move on. Staying with my sister will be a temporary stay for now until something better presents itself but in the end it will be the healthier choice especially with Zach not being able to be there for some time. :0( So that is most of the updates right now and we all continue to pray for smooth transitions and that surgery goes well this week. Praising God for the improvements and being able to see Zach awake yesterday. As for me...I think its time for a nap.
Keep Smiling and Take Care!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The last 24 hours have been 24 of the most trying as you can tell from my last post but I am Thanking God to report that Zach is showing signs of improvement in his kidneys and lung. I honestly cant say that I have ever been so thankful to have someone pee before or even that I cried when he did until today but as soon as we noticed it in the catheter, I had tears streaming down my face full force. After running some tests we found that this is the sign we all have been praying for. We still have a long way to go but tonight before I left, the Doctors felt things might be turning around. I was sad because I had to return home for an apt for my own health but I am very thankful because I will be spending the day tomorrow (OK well later today) with a very close friend of mine who despite having health problems herself; has been nothing short of amazing in support me and my hubby through all of this (her husband as well). I am very thankful for all of my friends and the family that have supported me and have continued to remind me that God is in control. I have really been blessed in the area of friends and I only pray that I can be as good as a friend back someday.
So with many thanks and a hopeful heart I am going to head of to bed.
Keep Smiling and God Bless!
Friday, May 18, 2012
"He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." - Psalm 147:4
For those of you that are really close to me; you know that this verse holds a lot of great meaning to me after everything that I have gone threw over the last 7 years with my health and with loosing some of the greatest people of my life but it in the end, at my greatest trials it always stands out to give me hope that my life is not my own. Since my last post some terrible events have taken place in my life and now I am looking at loosing another person very close to me and even though I know I am not ready to even think about living without him; I know that God is holding him in His hands tonight.
Almost a week ago, we took Zach to the Er for what we thought was a migraine and it ended up really being him choking after a life long battle with swallowing problems. We didn't know he was choking but by the time we realized it he has quite a bit of food in his throat and later to find out his lungs. I think it is safe to say we have been through what feels like Hell and back in the last few days and tonight he continues to be fighting a staph infection and remains on life support after an attempt to fix his lung which resulted in being removed. Doctors tested his brain activity today to find minimal activity and still no response to any treatment. So after much prayer (and i will continue to do so tonight); I did sign 1 of 2 sets of papers set in front of me and that would be the set allowing the doctors not to perform CPR if he coded again. He is still on life support and if no improvements are shown by monday then we will rethink the situation and His parents and I will do what is best for him.
As I was looking through my facebook tonight which my loving husband has semi-taken over in the last few months that I have been ill, I realized that a few weeks ago he made a post with this same verse (it is my favorite and will most likely always be) and wrote a comment with it that said
"Our prayer for you is dreams of stars, clouds, butterflies but most of all for you to be in a place of peace."
I don't know why I haven't seen this comment before and maybe it is just because I have been to sick to check, but it hit me hard because I feel so selfish begging him to stay here suffering when he only wanted the best for me. I love Zach and I will always love Zach. He is and always will be my soul mate but I realized tonight that he deserves everything and more after all he has done for me and I don't want him to suffer anymore. After a week of doctors, surgeries and broken hearts; I realized that I cant protect him anymore than he could protect me and all I can do is love him no matter what and leave him in God's hands.
We do not want him to suffer anymore than he already is and if it is Gods will that Zach should make it home before me; I shall still love God the same. This has been a hard choice for me to make but I know that it is what Zach would want. Its just so hard to wrap around everything going on and I'm still praying that he will start responding to any little thing but in the moment I am just loving Zach for everything he has ever given me and still continues to be for me and loving God for ever giving me the chance to love him this much in the first place.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
For those of you who are wondering about the rainbow dress; it is still in progress but it is coming a long very well. I don't want to post too many pictures before it is finished because I am coming up with ideas to make it better almost every day and in the end its so going to be worth the wait. So while the dress is in progress....I decided to take a break to bake! Yesterday I had a poll going on facebook over whether I should make brownies or thin mints and then it just turned into people ordering thin mints so I made both. lol. Then Zach and I were horsing around until dinner with the tulle from my dress and after that it was off to a grand adventure to Corry. We finally got to hold Baby Lucas, and see Rick, Erin and Natalie. And after that we stopped in to drop some goodies off to Dan and Beth. Beth was the only one home but it was so worth the few minutes we stopped. We planned on going to the drive in but because it was so late and people drive a lot crazier in Waterford and Corry that in our neck of the woods so red box and Mc Donald's it was for us and we called it a night. It really was an amazing day for me. So with all that said and done... I am going to leave you here with a few pictures.
Until next time...Keep Smiling!
Monday, May 7, 2012
So I have this plan to make an amazing rainbow dress for an event I'm going to in June. I have been slowly working on it due to not feeling good but considering i have to make a second dress just as equally complicated I realized that I might need to start pushing myself to finish this dress so I can be rested for the event itself. I have been really sick the last few days but I did manage to get the base to the dress put together over the last week. it just needs the zipper and then to have the dress hemmed to the right length. It really doesn't look like much now but just wait and see what it becomes. I am so excited. :0)
otherwise I am not sure what else to right other than I kind of really miss everyone. Even those people I missed at church today because I wasn't feeling well. I hope all is well with everyone.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The following below is also the start of something beautiful that was suppose to be used for a wedding but now in turn it will be used for a ball in June. The only reason I'm posting anything about it here is because I know that Zach doesn't come here to read this. lol. and although he knows I'm working on something spectacular he has no clue what its going to look like. :0) Just that it will have lots of colors and sparkles. lol. It may actually be one of the best things I create but we shall see. :0)
ok here is a hint to the colors and then I'm off to get working on it.