Thursday, March 8, 2012

Feelings Unleashed...

I'm sorry that I haven't posted on this blog in awhile. In all honesty I had almost created a new blog and had ever intention of leaving this blog behind and just starting over. But then I realized that I'm sick of change. I feel like I am been constantly forced to change because the people around me are never happy with my life and I am SO Over it. I am done pleasing people or keeping my mouth shut when they shoot me done. Its one thing to be the better person but to let people make me feel ashamed of who I am and what I do is completely different and the truth is... I'm not ashamed of the things in me life. Sure there are things that I'm not proud of but they are still apart of my life. And I wouldn't trade any of the good memories to get rid of the bad. I know that might sound crazy but in my mind its kind of like a book. Just different chapters and I know just where I want this book to go. So I have decided that its time that I not so much delete people from my life but leave behind. I have been all over the place lately because I have realized that not only have people been treating me like crap but they have been using me to get what they want. Even those who are considered my best friends. I'm still trying to process it all but with other health issues and getting ready to have surgery it is really important to me that I know who I can trust and in all honesty...I don't know who that is. I just know that I'm too tired of trying to correct people when they decide to change my life and whats going on to better please themselves. So from now on I am just going to do what I always planned and journal it. Not for anyone but for myself. As for my life... I am happy with where I am. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them even when they drive me crazy. And Zach... even though he might break my heart sometimes.... I know that the things I love about him always come through and no matter what He is my guy and the only thing right now I see worth fighting for. In the end he really is the only person who has been here for me. Which is funny because as soon as he messes up everyone wants me to get rid of him. I think its kind of funny actually considering he is really the only thing keeping me going these days. I cant say that about any of my friends and therefore I have decided to take time off from people in general to just recoup and get reacquainted with myself which is what this year was suppose to be about in the first place. A year for Zach and I to try new things and find what we really love about this world. (Not that one year could ever be enough time for this.) So I guess this year is starting this very moment. Maybe during this journey I will find some peace, which I have been hoping to find for weeks but until then its just the raw sense of reality and a teddy bear standing at my side and for that I love him.

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