Saturday, March 26, 2011

Who Am I?

Lately I feel really lost. OK maybe completely lost. I remember growing up and although I would get frustrated at times I don't think that I have ever felt this angry at the people I call my friends or even my family. I will admit that a lot of those people have done things to warrant these feelings but why cant I just let it go like I used too? When did my pain become so bottled up that I began NOT dealing with people anymore. I know that I am done getting used and letting people take advantage of me. It really bothers me that I have friends who only care about me when it benefits them and then when I really need them....The are gone. How long do people really expect to give a person their all with no love in return before they finally break down? That is what I am doing. I am breaking down. Even with my family. I have except that I don't fit in but why is it that they don't care about how I feel? They always seem to just brush me under the carpet. Even to this day....Its all about "How they feel" and they never care about how I really feel. Only Its ok for them to express their feelings and not me and I am no longer ok with that. I feel like If I continue down the road with these people I am missing something greater because I know that after 25 years of NOT caring; they are still trying to hide my entire existence. OR so I feel. I cant move forward with my life because they only live in the past and therefore I feel I am as well. I really need to move forward. With or Without them. I hate to say thing but I honestly feel that leaving these people behind for all intense purposes is what I am being called to do. The problem is.... How do I find the courage to forgive them for everything they have done to me so that I am not leaving on Angry terms. Because right now I just want to cry all the time and not to talk anyone........Anyone have any suggestions?

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