"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead." Frederick Buechner
Lately it feels like anger and sadness are filling the world around me and I'm stuck in the middle of it all. The events around me that are taking place between Zach and I are not only hitting me hard but it breaks my heart to see how much it effects everyone around me. I almost wish I could just bottle it all up and send it to the moon. I don't feel the need to write in detail all he has done, because honestly I think that only adds to the fire but I do know that the choices he is making is changing a lot of lives and opinions of him and although it breaks my heart that he wants to leave and I have been angry for everything he has done; I have come to terms with everything and decided that for my sake I need to forgive him and leave it to God. I am hoping that my family and friends can do the same as well because honestly, watching the situation as it hits everyone around me is making it hard for me to be around people and watching others be angry is making it harder for me to process myself. I am asking that we all just forgive and move on because honestly there is way to much bitterness and we are just not those kind of people. I am a firm believer that we should not judge others here on earth because God will cast judgement when every one's time comes. So I am and leaving the ENTIRE situation between the lawyers, and God. I have done all I can to help Zach and now I just want things to be peaceful so I can enjoy what time I have left without everyone being bitter or angry or even worried about what I am feeling about it. Honestly I feel that if Zach was meant to leave; then God must have something better planned for my life and honestly I know that soon I will be with God and I just want to enjoy my family and friends while I can.
With all that said, I am done being angry and I'm not going to be sad or bitter because I did have some very good times with Zach that I will never forget nor do I want to but I also know I have a lot more memories to create with the people I love and who REALLY love me back and that is what I want to focus on. I know I am getting weaker but the dreams of going to the beach and roasting marshmallows are still there. I want to play with my nieces and nephews and watch as many soccer games I can. Maybe make it to church a few more times...these are things I want to be doing and I worked so hard to get home and get mobile that I want to enjoy it and I want others to enjoy it too without being bitter. So I am asking for everyone to please just forgive. I know that none of us can forget but I think we should all just leave it between Zach and God because we all know that God's finally judgement is the most important and in the meantime, lets just enjoy the lives we have around us.
I mean it with all my heart when I say I appreciate everyone who has been here for me in the last few years, months and even weeks. You all mean so much to me and you always will. I'm praying we get to spend some good times together this summer and that a lot of happiness is shared. So until then, keep smiling and I'm going to drift back off to dream land.
P.S. Dear Kat, I love you more than a vacuum loves skittles. You are the best sister and best friend a girl could every ask for and don't you ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. Here is the song that you keep asking about. Sorry I have been singing parts all week. lol. Love you always, JJ