Monday, June 4, 2012

Still Here

I am sorry about the mental breakdown in my last post. I ended up having a 2nd surgery yesterday and I am back home after some complications. I am still very sore and tired and Zach and still weak and tired from his time in the hospital but we are both resting and taking things one day at a time. There are a lot of emotions going on in our house but I do know that we are trusting God to heal our hearts and praying that He just gets us through each day.  I have really been having a hard time talking to anyone because I honestly feel like this is my fault and I just don't know how to handle it yet. I know that a lot of people feel that having a miscarriage is not as terrible as loosing a child that you have met but let me tell you that after loosing a child that I was carrying at 5months and seeing what cancer and GVHD did to that little girl and then finding out this morning that I was 7 weeks and after the DNC they confirmed that all  tissue removed from the baby was cancerous It just hit me hard again just how much cancer can take away. I have tried to remain strong during this entire battle but honestly I am loosing my grip and I honestly just cant fight my feelings anymore. I'm having a hard time keeping it together and lately I have even been shutting down emotionally and just wanting to be alone. Its really hard to explain to someone who is healthy that No I am not going to get better and then to hear people constantly tell me "glad to hear you are on the road to recovery" or "glad you are feeling better" just makes things worse because although yes I might be having a good day, my good day still required constant care and I'm just tired. I just wish I could go back to driving where ever I wanted when I wanted, being able to do anything with Zach and most importantly I really just wish I could give Zach the things that a normal wife should be able to do for their husbands. Zach really is a blessing and no he has never made me feel bad in anyway about being sick but I know that this isn't the life that either of us pictured and I really do worry about him once I'm gone. :0( I'm praying every day that God watches over him extra hard and I already know that He is but it is something I wont stop praying for and since I have no control over anything; I have to leave it in all in God's hands. Now if only I could get people around me to start realizing how crazy they are being and how much their words hurt....I would be golden.
Well I have a little more to write but I'm really starting to fight to stay awake so I think until next time when I'm a little more awake. Keep praying and smiling; even if it is really hard right now. 

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