Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Warning. Emotional OverLoad
I have been trying to write for hours and cant seem to get the words out of my heart. I just feel utterly terrible. Today Zach and I suffered what would have to be the 2nd greatest loss of our lives together with finding out that cancer took another life. Although only a few weeks, my body has been out of control sense trying to get rid of it and so yesterday I had to go in for a DNC after they finally ran labs. I hate my health and that is failing miserably. I Hate cancer and I absolutely HATE GVHD. I feel like God is really picking on me lately. Like an ant under a magnifying glass. Especially when Zach is hours away from me in a hospital somewhere else and I am at home trying to hold it altogether and feel so alone. I spent all day praying and hiding. Trying to find any relief I could only to find that I don't have any. I have tried talking to people and the words just don't want to come out. I have seen over the last few weeks that even those closest to me aren't paying attention and seem to think that I'm just going to recover over night and in the end are making me feel like a terrible wife because I haven't been able to be with Zach since he was in Pittsburgh. I do feel terrible. I lost another child, I'm stuck here when he needs me most, I'm unable to work and honestly I just feel like dead weight. I don't know how someone could even love a person who can do anything for themselves. I just want to run away. I feel even worse because I am so angry at God. Is that even allowed? I know that the entire time I have been since I have always told God I would Praise Him no matter what but honestly I am so mad and everything and everyone right now. I'm broken down and I just hope God is just holding me now because honestly I'm even too angry to talk with Him. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I'm so lost and I feel like I'm stuck here alone at the bottom of a well, screaming but no one can here me. :0( Please God I'm begging for a light at the end of this tunnel because I honestly don't think I can keep fighting anymore.