.....I'm just not sure. I guess I have a lot on my heart and a lot to pray for; I'm just really tired of fighting and really tired of crying so now I'm just praying God hears my silent prayers from my very tired heart.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I'm sorry to say this is not a happy post. I am really lost right now because although I have gotten the best news ever this past week, each day I am reminded that just because I have a clean scan; things just don't snap back to being simple. I am still 40 pounds under weight, I can barely move and my counts are too low to go out....So when do things finally get back to normal and really after 8 years...what is normal? I want to know because I honestly don't think I know what it is. I was looking at my goals from when I was first diagnosed and I realized that I have literally after Monday; outlived all of my people to fight for other than Zach and Kat. That terrifies me. I am missing out on saying goodbye to the only other fatherly figures in my life because of being in Cleveland again for complications and it just really hit me hard this week. Like crying for 3 days straight crying. I don't know what I am suppose to do from here. I have always been strong in my faith, and I always knew God had a greater plan for me but as I sit here in the bed tonight, I cant help but wondering what is my purpose? And why is it so lonely? Why do I feel more lost now than ever?