Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pain, Tears and Crocheting

Pain, tears and crocheting; 3 things which seem to be keeping me up tonight. I know that things are finally starting to turn out ok but I cant help but sit here feeling like a terrible person because Pickles is about to be transferred Johns Hopkins tomorrow where he will be getting prepped for reconstructive surgery on his throat on Thursday and I am stuck here because of my health. I feel like the worst wife in the world. :0( I had to come home today because the medications that I was switched too seem to be reacting very differently and because of my health I am not allowed to travel. I don't want to stay home and although his parents understand completely and are going with him and keeping me updated every seconds of the way, I just want to be there with him the same way he has been there for me all of this time with my health. I hate that we are both sick and in 2 different places. I hate that I cant do anything for him and I hate really bad that I had to come home last night because of my health. I have been finally having good days and it seems to be going to crap. What happened to the few good months we were suppose to have. Can this really be the plans for us? I can understand the reasoning for having him moved and I am very thankful for the doctors that are taking care of both of us and I am very thankful that after this surgery, we were told he would be in our home bound area within a few weeks but I hate the fact that I am going to have to be here while he is there for the worst of it without me. I know I will be here for the rehab when he gets transferred back home but its not the same. He has always been there for me in my worst and I'm not even able to hold his hand. :0( 
I'm sorry if I'm ranting and whining but I have to get something out because I have tried watching movies and I have tried crocheting....I cant seem to get calm enough to keep my pain down and be able to sleep because all I want to do is be with him. Its a position that no person should ever be in and I do know that He is in God's Hands but I still wish I could be there. I have so much nervous energy that I have just crocheted for over 5 hours and now that my hands literally cants hold the hook, I still cant sleep. This is going to be a rough 4 weeks. Please pray it goes by fast and for healing on all parts. :0(

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