"He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." - Psalm 147:4
For those of you that are really close to me; you know that this verse holds a lot of great meaning to me after everything that I have gone threw over the last 7 years with my health and with loosing some of the greatest people of my life but it in the end, at my greatest trials it always stands out to give me hope that my life is not my own. Since my last post some terrible events have taken place in my life and now I am looking at loosing another person very close to me and even though I know I am not ready to even think about living without him; I know that God is holding him in His hands tonight.
Almost a week ago, we took Zach to the Er for what we thought was a migraine and it ended up really being him choking after a life long battle with swallowing problems. We didn't know he was choking but by the time we realized it he has quite a bit of food in his throat and later to find out his lungs. I think it is safe to say we have been through what feels like Hell and back in the last few days and tonight he continues to be fighting a staph infection and remains on life support after an attempt to fix his lung which resulted in being removed. Doctors tested his brain activity today to find minimal activity and still no response to any treatment. So after much prayer (and i will continue to do so tonight); I did sign 1 of 2 sets of papers set in front of me and that would be the set allowing the doctors not to perform CPR if he coded again. He is still on life support and if no improvements are shown by monday then we will rethink the situation and His parents and I will do what is best for him.
As I was looking through my facebook tonight which my loving husband has semi-taken over in the last few months that I have been ill, I realized that a few weeks ago he made a post with this same verse (it is my favorite and will most likely always be) and wrote a comment with it that said
"Our prayer for you is dreams of stars, clouds, butterflies but most of all for you to be in a place of peace."
I don't know why I haven't seen this comment before and maybe it is just because I have been to sick to check, but it hit me hard because I feel so selfish begging him to stay here suffering when he only wanted the best for me. I love Zach and I will always love Zach. He is and always will be my soul mate but I realized tonight that he deserves everything and more after all he has done for me and I don't want him to suffer anymore. After a week of doctors, surgeries and broken hearts; I realized that I cant protect him anymore than he could protect me and all I can do is love him no matter what and leave him in God's hands.
We do not want him to suffer anymore than he already is and if it is Gods will that Zach should make it home before me; I shall still love God the same. This has been a hard choice for me to make but I know that it is what Zach would want. Its just so hard to wrap around everything going on and I'm still praying that he will start responding to any little thing but in the moment I am just loving Zach for everything he has ever given me and still continues to be for me and loving God for ever giving me the chance to love him this much in the first place.